A Cynic’s Guide to Life


1. wake up early and go to bed late. it will look like you don’t care. you will seem detached and cool.

2. everyone is out to hurt you. protect the face.

3. anxiety is not sexy. always be proud and confident, even when you don’t know what the fuck you are doing.

4. quoting from psychotics like Edgar Allan Poe, sexists like Sigmund Freud, arrogant creeps like Allen Ginsberg and smart-ass mystics like Kurt Vonnegut will make you seem cultured and worldly. who cares if they are all dull and you only read the title page?

5. tell people you hate Woody Allen films even if you’ve never seen any of them.

6. actually, just tell people you hate everything. It makes you seem detached. and cool. it will get you laid.

7. remember that all good art is boring.

8. if you write poetry, burn it. there is no money in poetry unless Eminem turns it into a rap song.

9. god forbid you think Gloria Steinem is pretty cool.

10. god forbid you think what Alex Dang writes about is true.

11. learn your SAT words. they will be useful later when you have to sprinkle them all over your term paper as you try to graduate from your twelve years of college.

12. ignore the creeping existential crisis at frat parties. drink it down.

13. when you pick a major, go for law of medicine. nothing else is going to pay off your student loan.

14. what’s the point of being a good person? hell is too hot and heaven is too cloudy. you think the weather is going to stop making you its bitch when you are dead? think again.

15. don’t waste money on therapy. you’re going to die miserable and alone anyway.

Note: This is a satirical shot at both the i-don’t-care and i-should-just-give-up-my-passion-and-do-something-practical trends. Neither of these seem preferable to me, and I truly do believe that not getting hurt at all is no way to live your life, and neither is selling your dreams short. don’t walk through life thinking that there is nothing for you out there. be the optimist. care a whole fucking lot about the things you believe are important. cry and laugh and love and hate. go down kicking and screaming if you have to.

if you’ve figured out how to do this, tell me. seriously.


Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s